Might Be Nothing To You, But It's SOMETHING DEEP For Me (Revised)

I think it's time that I share with ya'll  what I've been feeling or thinking these past few weeks. I just feel like bursting out what I've been keeping. Bear with me, this is the core of my heart speaking to you. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but please please please correct me if I'm wrong.


Have I told you that I always had this imagination of how's it like to be when THE DAY comes? 
How long will I have to wait?
How long will my punishment be?
How long until I'll be saved into the Jannah??

These last few days, I had a dream. I don't know whether it's good to tell other people about not-so-good dreams though. I had doubts about it. But I think if I tell you this one, hopefully it'll bring some... kind of reminder to you. 


I was at a school. On the top floor. The scenery was mountains and I could see there were many trees. First, we had an earthquake. It was shaking (well, obviously). And we were kind of staying close to the ground to be safe. Then, a few seconds after we thought the earthquake has ended, I stood up and I could see a huge, humongous, gigantic, I don't know what word best to describe it, of wave of water coming into my way. Yes, it's a tsunami. I could hear the sound of the wave... the rushing of water. I was so scared that I istighfar and said 'Allahuakbar' so many times and I think I sempat mengucap kot. I was thinking, how am I gonna survive this? Can I swim through the strong wave of water coming to me? Can I survive? Will I die? I thought of going to the highest level, the tank. But didn't manage to do so. I was standing close to a window. And I can see the water slowly rising up into the classroom. It was scary as hell. You have nowhere to go and it's tsunami. TSUNAMI PEOPLE!! I really did baca apa yang patut and I'm truly grateful that even in dreams, I can still remember Allah. Thank you, Allah, for still keeping your sight on me. Now I understand how's it feels like to be in a tsunami though it's only a dream. The fear was real.




There are times when I thought of... all those times spent in Facebook... endless hours of commenting and God knows what else we do, answering questions in Formspring, endless reblogging in Tumblr, non-stop updating status in Twitter, hours of watching funny or scary or latest updates of vlog in YouTube.. I really thought that what we did, or at least, I did, was a big waste of time!

What if during The Day, Allah ask us,

"What did you do during your youth?"

(I think we all know that we should use our youth as best as possible because it's when our spirit is flaming wildly)

What will your answer be? Trembling with fear, can you imagine if we say,

"Oh Allah, I spent my youth Facebooking."?
"Oh Lord, I spent my time when I was young reblogging  meaningless pictures and quotes in Tumblr."?
"Oh Allah, I wasted my youth."?

Do you want to answer that to Allah? Do I really want to answer that to Allah? Imagine what Allah feels when we wasted what was given to us.. He'd be devastated.. :(
Now that I'm scared of this thought, I don't really reblog posts in Tumblr as much as I was. I think I'm wasting time there in Tumblr. 
Can you see what I see?

But if you put it to good use, then it's okay. That's another story.



Have you ever thought of why Allah sent us to befriend with out friends now? I mean, I'm talking about our friends that we know they're gay/bi/les/drinks/had premarital sex.. Didn't this thought ever crossed your mind?;

Oh maybe Allah sent him/her to me so I could help him/her in a way so they could change to become someone better in the sight of Allah?

I'm sure deep in their hearts, they want to change for better, become a good person. It's just that sometimes maybe they can't see hands reaching out to them cuz they're no people handing out their hands willingly to help them to change for the better. Yeah, people are too open minded (tak salah nak open minded, but you must know where your limit is as a Muslim, I think) nowadays. "Oh aku tak kisah diorang nak gay ke apa. Asal tak kacau hidup aku sudah." Well, don't you think you might be (in a way) of bersubahat with them about it? Because you kinda don't mind with their wrong doings and though you know it's wrong, you don't try to make it right..? At least, for the sake of our duty as a khalifah.


Have you ever thought, when you knew Allah did this and that because He loves you? Did you realize in certain things that you had through your experiences, He did that because He wants you to be closer to Him, to be good and because He loves you? Have you ever felt so happy, so grateful sometimes you wish to hug your Creator though you don't know how big He is? Or be right next to Him and wish him smiling at you? Or was it only me? Is it wrong to feel that wat??


Have you ever thought that maybe one of the reasons why the people in Europe (or in that particular area) are still.. lost (as in, jahil), maybe because we haven't done our job as khalifah (to do dakwah) as much as we could, in any way possible? Maybe we have not spread Islam much in our part?

Istighfar...




When you look at these, don't you feel called to share your knowledge and understanding of Islam with them? I think it's our duty to spread the knowledge we have. You know, when I see in forums, Muslims become atheist (which is very saddening), some Muslims were brought up as a Muslim, but their father drinks and such (not that in Malaysia tak de), and they're confused in most things, somehow I feel pity for them... I feel like I want to help them..! I want to share the knowledge, the understanding that Allah has given to me directly or delicately with them so that they know...! But when I read this sentence,


۞ أَتَأْمُرُونَ النَّاسَ بِالْبِرِّ وَتَنْسَوْنَ أَنْفُسَكُمْ وَأَنْتُمْ تَتْلُونَ الْكِتَابَ ۚ أَفَلَا تَعْقِلُونَ
[2:44] Patutkah kamu menyuruh manusia supaya berbuat kebaikan sedang kamu lupa akan diri kamu sendiri; padahal kamu semua membaca Kitab Allah, tidakkah kamu berakal?


Istighfar... I immediately put my head down and feel ashamed of myself. I want to help others, but I myself am not correct. Look at me, who am I to tell them what's right and wrong? I'm not right on the outside! What more on the inside. I'm torn. I've had it all planned of what to do to help these kind of people, to reach out to them... and I don't think I could since I don't think I'm that good enough to be an example, to share with others my not so many knowledge. But isn't it when you help others, you are also helping yourself? I don't know.. I need answer on that matter.



I've always prayed that I want a good husband, suami yang beriman dan bertanggungjawab, someone who can guide me and the kids (insya-Allah), but look at me, I did so many mistakes! I don't know if I deserve one! I feel disgusted with myself! I feel like, I'm such a bad person. I just want somebody who can help me pull to the right path, help me be a good person and stay together with me so we could help each other out to be a good servant of Allah..

Honestly, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that what I'm feeling now is only temporary. You know it's not easy when your biggest enemy is what's within you; your own demon. I tried so hard to fight it, sometimes I lose. And when it gets me, it really gets me. But most of the time, I'm fighting. And I keep on fighting and fighting and fighting. I may not be as good as others, pakai tudung, pakai baju labuh and longgar, but I'm trying. I'm trying.

And when I read these people's posts on their blog about how they review their daily life and relate it to the hikmah Allah made, the hadith, how they elaborate it, I feel... my heart is pulling me to them. I long for something like that. And  yeah, what they said is true. And I think it's opening my eyes slowly.

Sometimes, I feel like I want to go to that path. Sometimes, I feel like I wanna get abstracted for a while. Like I said, it's a fight. A great fight within me, and I'm still waiting for the day of victory.

Aku tahu aku jahil, tak sebagus macam orang lain.. but I never intended to stay the same way forever.



P.s.: I've been keeping this thoughts for too long and I think it's somehow wrong for me if I didn't tell others about some things.

P.s.s.: If you'd realize it, congratulations to those who read this post until  the end, word by word, it could be a way of Allah communicating to you, to us, in a way that we can never really see it or understand.

P.s.s.s.: I think the answer for my questions already lies within this post. Hmm..




3 comments

  1. Nyna, I feel the same way as well.
    Sometimes I feel that its better to change myself; as in reading Quran more frequently, do Solat Sunat and such.
    First few weeks were fine, the determination was there.
    But after that, I tended to log on facebook and tumblr more. Aisyh. -.-
    But I'll try harder and harder until I become a proud Muslim :)

    Nyna, one word for you. AWESOME!
    Seriously, your blog motivates people girl.
    I love you, so please -never ever- stop writing ^^

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nash:
    Yeah... me too. Sometimes, when I read books (as in novels), I thought, if I can read the book, then why can't I read the Quran too? So, I'll make it up to maybe 2 page sometimes. hee :)

    Thanks. I hope so. :))

    Fns:
    Thanks. :)

    ReplyDelete

What's on your mind is there for a reason. :)