It's Hard To Make You Understand, But I'm Sorry.

I'm saying this to everyone.

I'm sorry if at times, I'm not there for you. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. It's not that I don't wanna be there. But... sometimes, I can't be there.

You know.. I've always have this insecurities... regarding friendship. I had one worst friendship experience when I was at the end of standard 6 and somewhere around form 1. It hurts me so much. It hurts me so much, gave me quite a teaching in my so-called FRIENDSHIP that I was scared to have someone close to me as my BEST FRIEND later. I was scared.

To tell you the truth, I'm the type of person, when I'm hurt, it's gonna take time for me to heal. It's like I become trauma about it. Take for my love matter as an example. Well, I was almost THAT close to falling in love. And look what happened when it didn't.. work out. It took me a couple of years before I can finally..barely touch love again. Yes, I'm the type of person who take years to heal. And I don't know how long this time it's gonna take for me to heal.

Okayokay. Now back to my friendship issue.

Truthfully, I really REALLY appreciate all that you did for me, being there for me, your endless support. I do, I really appreciate it. I'm sorry I couldn't really be there for you (if you were referring to me). I'm sorry. You're usually online late at night. While me, I can't. Because my mom would scream at me late night for being online at night. Even if I'm online, late, she'll come to my room and start mumbling blablabla. As a daughter, of course I don't like that. Who loves seeing their mother get angry? Nobody. She wants me to sleep. Cuz I'll be going to her office the next morning and she doesn't want me to be sleepy. Fine, I get that. But my mom also has been one of the reason why I can't really have many close friends. Not that I'm blaming her now.

You know.. when we were younger, we would sleepover at a friend's house. Hang out at a friend's house. Unlike other kids, or even teenagers, my mom wouldn't let me. She won't. I can't even go to school camping back in the primary school! Not until I was in MRSM and that's me at the age of 16. Yes, people! My first time of going to a camping trip, sleeping in the camp, bathing with all other girls, IN THE JUNGLE, at the age of 16. Yes, say I'm pathetic. The roads I have taken, the roads I've been shown to me, has what somehow made me.. cautious about friendship.

Yes, in my friendship, I'm sensitive. In fact, I AM SENSITIVE. It's hard to explain it to people, because not everyone can understand what you've been through, how you see it, how it has made you for who you are today. 

Did you know that back then, I always cry and blame my mom (I was a kid at that time. What do you expect) for she was part of the reason why I'm afraid to have CLOSE friends, why it is always hard for me to get a real friendship. Because I know, in friendship, in your love life, in any part of your life, you have to give and take. How can I sustain my friendship if I can't give my part??

Being in a friendship, is not that easy, for me. Just when I just thought I've found the real meaning of FRIENDSHIP with you, this happen. Haha :'| I guess I wasn't meant to have real friends in my life. Well, well, haters who read this, I bet they must be happy to know my dark past. Yeah, whatever.

Just so you know, I really really appreciate everything you did for me, being there, supporting me all the way from the very first time we became friends, I really do. I bet you're getting sick of listening to me saying this all the time. Never mind. That's me. I appreciate the little things my friend does. Because... of what happened in my friendship before. I don't wanna tell you what happened. Just that, that memory, was enough to make me scared of being in friendship, of having someone close, someone I can call My Bestfriend.

And so, I don't mind if you're just gonna get far. Cuz I'm used to it. So used to it.

To all my friends, I love you. Thank you for being my friend. May God bless you.

P.s.: Just when I feel happy, I feel right, there must be something wrong. Sometimes I just wish I could have no feelings. Makes it easier.