Apology

I'm sure ya'll know what happened. I admit, it was MY MISTAKE. I take it all. Yes, I learned my lesson. Ibu dah marah. Kawan-kawan dah cakap apa yang patut, what I mean nasihat la.
And I still feel guilty. That's just plain me. Even if you forgave, I still blame myself. Yes, I can be very mean to myself. 
I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.

I know no matter how many times I say I'm sorry to ya'll, I still won't be satisfied. Though you forgave me, I really really really feel guilty. Unsatisfied to myself. Yes, I thought too much. I followed my emotion too much. I do have issues with myself. And that memory, the black dot still haunts me. If to say that what I experienced years ago was a tragedy, then I must say I'm having a post-traumatic experience now (got the term from my previous workplace, being an assistant research scientist got me learning quite a lot of terms). Yes, I'm having trauma. And I really am truly sorry for any uneasy feelings that I've caused. It's like something got into me and I couldn't control myself. I myself can't really believe I did that. The devil must have possessed my emotion firmly somehow.

My experience taught me not to trust others. Not to open up too much to others. Okay, I think I better stop now. Nurin just said, Blog bukan tempat untuk meletakkan segalanya. I'm sure Ibu would support this 100000%. 

Chez! Korang telah berjaya buat aku nangis depan korang! hahaha Sebenarnya aku sayang korang sebab tu aku terasa. But we're not going to talk about that. Haha Let bygone be bygone..

To my dearest friends,
I'm sorry for everything. Thank you for everything. I still remember on my second day in Asasi TESL, Toby got drowned, and you guys were there to help me. I remember when Zakwan said something that hurts me, you and Rauf were there to comfort me. Main cak2. haha I remember all the laughter, the memories and time spent together. That's something I'll keep forever in my memory. I'm sorry cuz I was thinking too much. I guess my insecurities has succeeded in conquering me. And to this one friend of mine, I am truly sorry for what I did. I know we share lots of things together. I love you so much dear friend. But I don't show my love when I love somebody. (That's a Virgin. I mean, the one with the star virgin). You, thank you for everything. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for your concern. Thank you for your sincerity. I really really appreciate it. And it was more than a fool of me to somehow close my eyes on that and let emotion conquered me. Selfish. I know. Thank you, friends. If you still want to call me as your friend. :)

Now I must do something to myself, tebus balik kesalahan aku. And this time, I'm going to be mean to myself. I deserve it. I deserve it.  If I could kill myself, I would. 

Also, some of my new resolution for next year is to:
  1. Try not to think too much (which I'm sure Ibu would definitely agree to that. haha)
  2. Be a good friend.
  3. Appreciate those around me.

4 comments

What's on your mind is there for a reason. :)